Sunday, November 20, 2011

Who Am I?

This is the question I have been pondering for months...YEARS actually!  It is also partly why I have not been on here to much to process and so much to learn.  Other reasons include upheaval and change, we have been busy and gone a lot, not bad, just hard with some fun thrown in!

My whole life has been about giving up...things and people.  Some, me included for most of that time, see it as losing...things and people.   For instance I could say, I lost my brother or dad or I lost my house to a fire or to foreclosure.  I didn't actually lose anything, it was taken and I have a choice, I can be a loser or I can be a giver.  I have given up these things in my heart and mind...does this mean I don't miss my brother or dad, NO...but my outlook is different now, I will no longer be a loser!  God (YHWH) gives and He takes away.  These things happened for a reason and I will now choose instead to be a giver and give them up to YHWH.  I haven't liked looking at my life and seeing all I have 'lost'.  It drags me down to do that...I go into this weird spiraling place where I then find myself crying over my dog who died 30 years ago! 

True. I have done that.  Not lately.  LoL! 

I bring this all up for one reason.  My friend is all moved away.  I have no friends close by who think and believe the way I think and believe right now.  I have other friends and family friends...but my understanding friend needed a different climate to get well and my gift to her is to be as supportive as possible even though my heart is broken and lonely and fighting against fear and jealousy almost daily.  Jealousy?  Fear? is hard to be left behind...This is how I am feeling and it gets to a point where I can't take it...really, I get tired, too tired to fight and just want to let it win...but I know I can't.  It is a battle...I clench my teeth, I get headaches I dream bizarre dreams I can't recall...and I still fight with the WORD and prayer.  One friend I hardly know from Facebook helped me the other day by asking me a question about our was a great help to reflect on our recent struggles and blessings and all YHWH has done in this family and the battle with jealousy and fear was over for a time.  It was nice to have a break, hope it lasts for awhile.  I just don't want to be left behind.  This has always been my thing..."God, just don't leave me behind!"  So I needed to give it up.  God knows I don't want to miss out on anything, why should I be afraid I will?  He is faithful to complete the work He started in me and my family.  If I trust Him. 

I should let Him.  No matter what the cost?  YES! 

I do not know when I will post next, I still must find out who I am in Him for the next step in this journey...just wanted you to know I was still breathing.  :)   

~Have Courage!


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Overwhelming Circumstances

There is a place inside my heart that is easily wounded and frightened.  I have been brought to this place more times than I can count and each time all I want to do is hide until it is over, which is always unrealistic and not what I need to do.  The circumstances are never the same and it is always overwhelming.  This is where I must trust that God will give me courage, that I am not actually alone, no matter how I 'feel' about it and that these moments are always for my good.  How else will I grow if there is no adversity, no sadness, no pain? 

Right now I am overwhelmed by many small things.  Changes in how we eat, gardening that I can't get to, the kids and their learning...and...most of all, the fact that our friends will be moving away.  That is the hardest thing of all to deal with for me right now.  I am so happy for them and so sad for us.  I fight selfishness because it is best they do move.  I fight jealousy because I wish we could move too.  I fight fear because now I will be more alone than before.  I fight sadness because I want them to be well.  Basically, I am a mess and can't say it.  So, I will write it and whoever reads it can please pray for me.  

I love my friends very much and can't wait for them to be well. 

Here is a link to their blog, please keep them in your prayers as well:  TheLymeofOurLives 

This is a hard journey, but I wouldn't trade it for anything and neither would they.  :)


Being honest is so important.  Sometimes being honest is such an emotional experience that all you can do is write or it turns into something more than what it actually is.  After writing about how I was feeling and my struggles, I went into my Email Inbox where I had several unread David Wilkerson devotions from his blog that is being continued for an unknown time with his writings even though he is gone from us.  I also read some of Michael Boldea's Homeward Bound posts which also helped to ease the battle of emotions and anxiety I was experiencing.  As I have been pondering these things over the last couple days the overwhelming feeling has left and I once again have peace knowing that God cares for us all so much more than we know and everything is for our benefit.  I have no desire to mope and feel sorry for myself but to be lifted up by His gentle hand and know that all things will work together. 

In my reading last night I was reminded that He cares for us, we are his sheep, He is the Good Shepherd that watches over us.  All we are to do is trust Him.  When we find ourselves cast down, He knows where we are and will lift us up again.  I learned more about sheep in this lesson.  Sheep can find themselves in a postion where they can't get up and they panic and only make their situation worse by ending up completely on their backs, this is called 'being cast down', or simply 'cast'.  They can't get up on their own and are in complete danger of dying of toxicity or of prey until they are found by their shepherd.  This is what is meant by Jesus' parable of the Good Shepherd that he will leave the 99 and go after the one lost sheep.   Once found by the relieved shepherd he then gentley turns them over and pickes them up rubbing their legs and holding them until they can stand on their own again and return to the flock. 

Interesting huh?  I love learning new things, especially when they have a deeper meaning for me.  God is always there watching over us and when we are cast down he lifts us up again in our weakness and holds us until we are strong enough to walk forward again with Him beside us.  Lovely, isn't it?  Thank you Father for your indescribable gifts!  Especially for Jesus our Good Shepherd! 

This is what I was reading:  The Amplified Bible and A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Am I Still Breathing?

Once in a while we have to stop and ask ourselves this question;  Am I still breathing?  Obviously, physically I am still breathing or I wouldn't have any need to ask such a question...What I am talking about is my spiritual life's breath.  Am I still breathing God's new life for me?

Sometimes it is quite a fight to keep breathing, sometimes we have moments where we feel as if we are drowning, or feel out of breath, exhausted by life's challenges.  There are times when we are bombarded by the arrows of darkness and forget to breathe nearly passing out in disbelief of the circumstances surrounding us.  No matter how much breath we have left, God is always there to revive us.  He never will leave us.  No matter what we are going through.  Keep our hearts pure.  Set our mind on His ways, which we cannot comprehend.  Keep our eyes on Jesus.  He is able to deliver us from all we find ourselves in.  Am I still breathing?  Yes!  I will continue to breathe as long as He is with me.  I would be lost without Him...


When it looks like all hope is lost. God comes and reveals Himself.  Since March 11th, there has been a myriad of bad news from Japan...the earthquake and ensuing Tsunami, all the deaths, the radiation poisoning...but God is there, I see that He is there in the following ways:  The 60 year old man rescued 10 miles off the coast 2 days after, floating on his roof...the 4 month old baby swept away from the parents (who both survived) found alive on the 14th with no injuries...the 70 year old lady found alive in her home that was swept away...the man found 8 days later...the 80 year old grandma and her 16 year old grandson who was given enough energy to pull himself out to get them saved, who 9 days after were found alive!  These are great examples of hope in a most horrible situation, God is truly there!  They are being called miraculous...and rightly so, they are miracles!  How could one go on without hope in all this devastation?  There will always be hope, a reason to keep breathing...God NEVER leaves us without hope!  Therefore, we can still breathe...He always gives us a reason to keep breathing, sometimes we have to search for it, sometimes it is small and seemingly insignificant, but there is always hope.

We don't know what each day will bring us, the world is in turmoil, on the brink of all out war.  The earth is rumbling and shaking, the storms are harsh and devastating, even the waves of the ocean are said to be larger now.  Our food is being destroyed by torrential rain, freezing temperatures, extreme droughts and now radiation leaks.  Inflation of necessities coupled with lost jobs and decreased pay are crippling many nations creating a huge foreclosure and bankruptcy problem.  The world as we know it could change today, we just don't know.   We live in a world of unknowns.  Are we prepared for the unknown calamities?  Are we still breathing the Word of Life?  Or have we become distracted by all this turmoil?   Do we have faith in God?  Do we trust Him to be our protection, our provider, our hope when it all falls apart?  Are we to a place where we can say, no matter what, I will trust God?  Probably not entirely...if we are totally honest with ourselves.  I sure would like to be at all times fully trusting Him, but I waver still.  I still have fears....but I will fear Him above all.  I must, my very life depends on trusting Him!  He is my breath.  Without Him there is no breath of hope...

In all things I will praise His name.  He is my Rock, my Fortress, the righteous run to Him and are safe, He is my Refuge!  God is in control, the whole earth belongs to Him!  He knows what we need and when we need it.  He will NEVER leave us nor forsake us, if our minds and hearts are set on Him.  These are promises I hold close to my heart.  Please keep breathing, don't give up, keep moving forward, fight the good fight until the end.  Just breathe!        

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Be Anxious For Nothing...

It is easy to get wrapped up in the headlines and become anxious or worried about how we are going to 'make it' in the coming weeks ahead.  This is when our eyes become distracted and every little thing that might be a picture of what is to come catches our attention.  We must be careful here, anxious thoughts lead to delusion and fear of everything.  In Luke 12, Jesus talks about anxious thoughts which mirror the things we are facing here in America as the economy crumbles around us.  Possible food shortages, soaring gas and energy prices, wars, natural disasters, epidemics real or not, terror threats, the list goes on and on to what we are exposed to on a daily basis.  It can be a stressful time for all of us, but more so if our attention is given to these things and not to following God.  Please take these promises to heart and keep your eyes on Him who is able to keep you through any storm of life.

LUKE 12:22-34

Then He said to His disciples, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on.  Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing.  Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds?  And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?  If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?  Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?

 “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind.  For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.

“Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.


Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.


“ Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
      And whose hope is the LORD.
      For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
      Which spreads out its roots by the river,
      And will not fear when heat comes;
      But its leaf will be green,
      And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
      Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
Remembering always that God is with you, in whatever difficulty life brings, keeping your heart and mind on His ways being higher than ours, having faith in Him when all looks hopeless, trusting in Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, because He is God, the Creator of the universe, worship Him in Spirit and in Truth, rejoicing always and in all things in Him who will sustain you and hold you up with His righteous right hand giving you perfect peace that passes all understanding.  I encourage you today to keep moving forward, don't give up, press forward with all you have in Him.  In weakness you will be made strong!  In sickness you will be made whole!  In hunger you will be filled!  Stay close by His side.  He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you!  Praise the Lord!!!


Passages from NKJV (I took out the verse numbers)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Something Special

The boys all went away this Saturday so Abigail decided we should have a
Tea Party!
 She wrote out her own invitations for Her doll Emily and for Me.

Abi got out the Demitasse Set I just found at the thrift store for a special occasion like this...

...and she set the table herself.

She wanted to dress up so we put on special dresses and I let her wear Grammy's Glass Beads.  They are so special to me and Abi loved wearing them too.

She decided on special hot cocoa with peppermint and cream for our 'tea', M&M's, Cinnamon Croccantini, and Pizza and I had to pretend to just arrive, she even had an 'English' accent as she talked with me about our Tea Party.

Here she is serving Emily her special plastic foods.  Emily had a great time!

So did I, what a special blessing she is to me!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Follow no man, but one...

I wrote some of this back in 2008, ours is a journey of much repetition!   I hope you will be encouraged to keep traveling with God.  ~Blessings!

Follow Jesus.

When we get our eyes off of following Jesus, we get into trouble.  We must NOT allow ourselves to follow anyone but Him, no matter how "wonderful" they may be.  Nor should we take another persons "interpretation" of the scriptures for being truth, but instead we should take all things to Him who can show us the way. 

God can speak to each one of us, IF we let Him and if we learn to trust Him to.  He didn't send His Holy Spirit to guide a few "special" people, NO!  He sent His Holy Spirit to teach us all truth, ALL of us who choose to follow, not just an 'elite' few of His followers.  Learn to hear His voice. 

What does Jesus teach us?  Read the written word, ask for understanding, He will show you and He will confirm to you His truths.  He has done this for us so many times over the last 10 years, directing us to different places, mostly on the Internet (yeah, I know, scary place).  He is teaching us His ways, showing us the error of our ways, correcting and washing our minds clean from the errors we picked up along the way. We are often surprised at how much we once thought we knew has been absolutely wrong or twisted.  So much still to learn....

Honestly, this choice to follow only Jesus' example isn't easy.  There are so many times when we feel lost, confused or otherwise out-to-lunch as we struggle to understand what God is trying to teach us.  We have had to say goodbye to comfort as we shed ourselves of the church system and the friends who did not understand. The things that once seemed so important have grown strangely dim and the pain lessened as the importance of them made way for the King of Glory in our lives. I tell you the truth, it is a painful, lonely, misunderstood path at times, but so worth all the hardship if it leads to knowing God more and more each day.  Be encouraged for God is with you!


Thursday, February 3, 2011

If Only...Then

If only time would turn back to give us one more chance.

Then maybe they would still be here, 

But no...

If only we could see the path of life ahead.

Then  those whose time has come could say goodbye,


If only words could be enough and time could really heal.

Then we would not understand time ends, but Eternity's for real.

If only...

We can play the 'if only....then' scenarios over and over in our minds, but it does no good and actually harms us.  Only God knows the why of each situation, it is our choice to trust Him with all the unknowns.  Someday time will end and all we have been through and all we have done will become as precious jewels or be burnt away.

Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12 AMP

Saturday, January 22, 2011

New Things

I LOVE to learn new things each week but, sometimes there just doesn't seem like I have much to share. This is where I have been for the last couple months as I sat here some days looking at a blank field and talking myself out of writing anything.  Why this problem with me sharing anything at all?  One reason could be the things I think I know have had to be unlearned so many times because they were false teachings based on someones opinion and not based soundly on the Word of God. 

Embarrassing.  But, don't we all do that? 

For the last few years we have been learning how to look at the Word of God in a 'Hebrew' mindset rather than a 'Greek/Roman' mindset.  It is amazing the amount of wrong thinking we have just because we have been trained to view things in a 'Greek/Roman' way in the public school system and therefore it is the way our whole country operates. We are called to be set apart, to think differently, to act differently, to be different (peculiar).  The Word of God is a Hebrew book after all, so shouldn't we learn in a Hebrew way what this book says?  So much has been lost to us, but God wants us to find it, like the woman looking for her coin, or the man who buys a field knowing there is treasure there.  I want to know God more and so this is my journey, fill up your lamp and follow Him, it's worth it.

I hope whatever is written here inspires you to dig deeper in God's Word and to find His Truth.

1. The Hebrews were 'forced out' by Pharaoh who then turned around and wanted them 'forced back'.  They were then miraculously rescued by God.  There were basically 4 factions within the Hebrew people.  Go back to Egypt, turn and fight, cry out to God for deliverance and throw themselves into the sea because we are trapped and there isn't anywhere for us to go.  God answered each faction through Moses in these ways:  The Egyptians you will see no more forever (you will NOT be going back to Egypt with them), God will fight for you (You do not have to fight this war, I will), God heard their cry (their prayers were answered), and hold your peace (shut up).

2.  The salvation of the LORD in Hebrew is:  Alev/Tav (Which is God's name untranslated), Yeshua (which means Salvation), Eloheynu (Which I have no idea how to spell but is, Our God) So it basically says God Yeshua our God! How awesome is that?  This phrase is in the Tanach (OT) three times.  Once in Exodus, once in Isaiah 52...Isaiah 53 is about Passover and the proclamation he makes about the Messiah, and once in 2 Chronicles 20 Where it says AlevTav(God) Yeshua YHWY and is another time where they are told to (remember Passover the crossing of the Red Sea) stand, God will fight for them, see the salvation of the Lord.  Passover is so very important.

3.   The battle with Ahimelech four names are mentioned: Aaron, Hur, Joshua and Moses (I always wondered what happened to Caleb???)  Well, these four names are significant, the first Hebrew letter of each name put together with the rest spell out the word that means brothers and has to do with being unified, being one.  They could only win the battle if they were unified, brothers.  How good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

4.  The themes that run through the Bible are so important for our understanding.  If we cannot find it at least twice, we should question it.

5.  Everything is cyclical, the Bible, other history, seasons...connect the dots. 

6.   Look for common themes...Esther and Heroditus/ half the kingdom/John and Haman/ opposites but still related.

7.  Joshua son of Nun:  Nun speaks of eternal life, Jeshua the son of eternal life.  The ancient Hebrew letters were depicting a fish or seed and a nail for this word.  In Numbers where it talks of Joshua the son of Nun in Hebrew it is Alef/Tav(God's name untranslated) Yhoshua(Yeshua) son(ben) of eternal life(Nun). 

8. He makes them to lie down in green pastures...and feeds the multitude.  Who is our Shepherd? He is! 

9.  Jesus walks upon the sea:  Job says in 9:8, 10-11: 
   He alone spreads out the heavens,
      And treads on the waves of the sea;
   He does great things past finding out,
      Yes, wonders without number. If He goes by me, I do not see Him;
      If He moves past, I do not perceive Him;

The Lord our God is One, we too should be One in Him.

May the Lord bless you and keep you this week!