Sunday, November 20, 2011

Who Am I?

This is the question I have been pondering for months...YEARS actually!  It is also partly why I have not been on here to post...so much to process and so much to learn.  Other reasons include upheaval and change, we have been busy and gone a lot, not bad, just hard with some fun thrown in!

My whole life has been about giving up...things and people.  Some, me included for most of that time, see it as losing...things and people.   For instance I could say, I lost my brother or dad or I lost my house to a fire or to foreclosure.  I didn't actually lose anything, it was taken and I have a choice, I can be a loser or I can be a giver.  I have given up these things in my heart and mind...does this mean I don't miss my brother or dad, NO...but my outlook is different now, I will no longer be a loser!  God (YHWH) gives and He takes away.  These things happened for a reason and I will now choose instead to be a giver and give them up to YHWH.  I haven't liked looking at my life and seeing all I have 'lost'.  It drags me down to do that...I go into this weird spiraling place where I then find myself crying over my dog who died 30 years ago! 

True. I have done that.  Not lately.  LoL! 

I bring this all up for one reason.  My friend is all moved away.  I have no friends close by who think and believe the way I think and believe right now.  I have other friends...fun friends and family friends...but my understanding friend needed a different climate to get well and my gift to her is to be as supportive as possible even though my heart is broken and lonely and fighting against fear and jealousy almost daily.  Jealousy?  Fear?  Yes...it is hard to be left behind...This is how I am feeling and it gets to a point where I can't take it...really, I get tired, too tired to fight and just want to let it win...but I know I can't.  It is a battle...I clench my teeth, I get headaches I dream bizarre dreams I can't recall...and I still fight with the WORD and prayer.  One friend I hardly know from Facebook helped me the other day by asking me a question about our life...it was a great help to reflect on our recent struggles and blessings and all YHWH has done in this family and the battle with jealousy and fear was over for a time.  It was nice to have a break, hope it lasts for awhile.  I just don't want to be left behind.  This has always been my thing..."God, just don't leave me behind!"  So I needed to give it up.  God knows I don't want to miss out on anything, why should I be afraid I will?  He is faithful to complete the work He started in me and my family.  If I trust Him. 

I should let Him.  No matter what the cost?  YES! 

I do not know when I will post next, I still must find out who I am in Him for the next step in this journey...just wanted you to know I was still breathing.  :)   

~Have Courage!


 

3 comments:

Sigalit Chana said...

Oh dear sister, thank you for your transparency. This verse came to mind s I was reading your post: it's from Tehillim/ Psalm 50...
23“Whoever offers praise esteems Me; And to him who prepares a way, I show the deliverance of Elohim.”
May your week be filled with the Father's presence, and may you lift up your sacrifice of praise with joy and thanksgiving =) You are in my thoughts and prayers! Shalom!

Have Courage said...

Thank you so much Sigalit! It means so much to me. :)

Citrus in Seattle said...

You are so profoundly loved my sweet friend. I'd walk through fire for you! My every prayer and thought of you is filled with love and wrapped with hugs! You will never be left behind...heck..you are leading the pack you just don't know it! :)